wendykh But without an update, I guess we wont know! What part of that do you dont pit him against his family folks not get??? When you feel close to someone, it's easy to expect what you might call emotional symmetry. BUT. by making a big deal out of a birthday, and inviting out of town people, you get to have a nice special time with all your friends and family! But to let your SO do so much (or expect it) and then still not invite them - even after they ask about it - is just super rude. I would not want my husband to go with out me and I dont think the LWs should either. Frankly, I am not about to sign onto something like that, especially when LWs the integrity of our marriage bleat made me suspect that she is the real problem. January 15, 2013, 11:15 am. If he told my sister not to come home anymore bc he doesnt like us, I would lose it. Adriana Molello set her best friend up with her future husband in 2014. Sincere people who truly love everyone want very much to have it out in the open and get together to remedy resolve and repair. Which is cute and polite, no? ok, i change my answer. Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm. January 15, 2013, 10:33 am. January 15, 2013, 11:38 am. which is so lame. lemongrass January 15, 2013, 1:49 pm, lets_be_honest Now, this is my opinion because this is his sister. First she is not letting her husband go. LW, I think you should either flat out ask your husband what the f is going on or call your SIL and ask her what the f is going on. I like that about you. First, let me say as his girlfriend, its normal to want to be included in his family plans. There is no logical reason she couldn't go. Only naive people agree to those situations. Or did she simply call up your husband and say hi bro so im having a party and you should totally come out! was that it? I would think this if the party was just across town, but this is halfway across the country! She didnt even say Im not sure why his sister would do this she said its gone unaddressed which makes me think she knows EXACTLY why the SIL excluded her, and that its probably for a good reason. His sister got engaged recently and . Blogging about a wide range of topics to help facilitate a better future. if you find them irritating. If it were me, I would strongly request that my husband not go. January 15, 2013, 11:49 am. This does not seem like an event that I would take a stand on. Last year he decorated his backyard. We are honest about it and that's why it works. So if I disagree with my spouse my options are to support him or divorce him? (It was rude from where I stand, with the info that was given to me in your letter.) Sounds like you could use some good counseling. Did you actually SEE the text? Vent to your close friends, if need be. July 5, 2012 4:38 AM Subscribe. Our family felt sort of uncomfortable around her, but she was still invited to events & everyone was polite. Post all the fun you are having on Facebook too! You should definitely try to be a part of his life. Even the most understanding family may start to chafe if theyve tried to welcome a new spouse into the fold but s/he chooses to stand apart and draw lines in the sand, as you said. Whatever way you have to find out, esp since you confirmed that you do have children so I guess your hubbys fun family weekend means you get to stay at home and care for the kids!?! If he really thinks the reason she wasnt invited is valid, he needs to talk to her about her behavior. Further, your capitulation to the status quo may be a trait you use often in lifewhich will keep you stuck. Just wait until its a woman at the office trying to lay hands on your husband, or the lady at the rental place because your husband cant help but be friendly and caring to all (hes a minister son and great socializer). January 15, 2013, 2:15 pm. lets_be_honest Those arent ridiculous requests. Dr. My BF told me that he is not ready to drag me into his circle yet (well he has quite a tough one; I have to say that.) Not fine. I have been married for 33 yrs and now that my husband has stopped talking to his family (which was 100% his idea after my BIL got in my face at a wedding) we have gotten so much closer. I am AMAZED that you advised this woman that it does not affect the integrity of her marriage if her husband attends a family gathering in which SHE..his wife..is deliberately excluded! He hasnt cut down on nights out with the boys since meeting you, at all. I was nodding my head in agreement and shes right, if this slight ruins the foundation of the LWs marriage, there are much bigger problems. Not as a girlfriend, not as a friend, not as anyone. If you dont, I can assure you that this wont be the last time you feel as if the foundation of your marriage is being tested. I do think this is totally unacceptable a married couple is a unit. January 15, 2013, 10:00 am. 11. Things like; putting his friends before you, not being attentive to you, not making an effort, hanging out less and less, and so on. that those details were left out. 9. I'm going to stand here with a sour puss on my face until someone does SOMETHING about all this debauchery.") Heres the difference between 21 and 31: At 21 I say, Yay! So while your boyfriend could have handled this a bit more sensitively, (certainly after you helped him shop and drove him around) he said he didn't think you would want to go to the party. Where is the LWer?? On the other hand, its possible that hes embarrassed about his family and doesnt want you to meet them as hes worried about what youll think. I think the situation is crappy but we really dont know enough from her letter to tell whether its her being crappy or the SIL (or his entire family). I would tell my husband to go and plan fabulous things to do that weekend on my own with my friends, family, or kids. Anyway, my cousin decided to stay with his wife after a separation of several monthsI know a few people encouraged him to leave her, but pretty much everyone just said Ill support whatever you decide to do. Everyone acted like adults, because it was his decision and in the end it wasnt truly our business. All rights reserved. It's sad to say, but often the reason a man doesn't invite a partner to his family events is that he's embarrassed or ashamed of them. My SIL is a wonderful person. But a call afterward would be. i tried i give up, maybe im remembering wrong! However, maybe you're confused about why you weren't invited, and can't really think of a reason. January 15, 2013, 1:55 pm, I could understand if were talking a 37th or 43rd birthday but 40? If thats the case, hes not going to take you to meet them. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself before you talk to him. Sorry if the formatting is weird, writing this on mobile. I find this to be inexcusably rude and would not want my husband to attend if I was in your shoes, LW. January 15, 2013, 10:39 am. Related story: About four years ago, my cousins wife had a brief affair and everyone in my small extended family pretty much found out (long CW channel/soap opera type story in its ridiculousness). If you truly are blameless and your husband is siding with your SIL for no apparent reason then some couples counselling should help both of you deal with the expectations you have of each other in your marriage. ok, im back to agreeing with you. Tldr: boyfriend failed to invite me to a party tonight even though I mentioned to him this morning that I felt sad about his lack of invitation. Maybe there's a little of that going on? Her boyfriend of two years, with whom she'd been sharing an apartment in southern Oregon for a few. While the default position is to support your spouse, certainly you dont go along with bad behaviour just because it is your spouse. I know you are a gf, but thats all you are, a much younger gf and not a wife, no mention of how long you have been dating and the length of time matters sometimes. Be sympathetic, understanding, and sensitive to how he feels about the situation. the husbands family member was getting married in a very small ceremony, so small that only immediate family was invited? (Tips & Things to Know! Which is why I think the husband should talk to his sister and explain she is being crazy. Gilda, Q: I caught my husband watching pornography online. He want a night with 'the guys' from his office. IF it were just an oversight, then she could say Oh, I thought because I am MARRIED to John that I was invited too!!!!! Ive told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. And then pouts when some cant make it), lets_be_honest Soeven though that person may be nice, and kind, and wonderful, they may not top the list of "people I want to invite to a party". Right. Leave the drama in Chicago and simply say good riddance. I cant have an opinion without knowing why the LW was excluded. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/03/poisoned_meals_my_mother_in_law_may_be_trying_to_make_me_sick_.html. Has he wasted opportunities to smooth the relationship between you and his family because it was easier to remain neutral? This is a short letter and how slighted you feel by the sister depends on the context of the snub did you guys have a fight? Cause thats who I am, a bitter stay at home wife of 4 with many many many outside distractions that (if Im not careful) could wreck havoc on my precious delicate marriage. You create more drama and stress for the family and most of all the brother/husband with this move. January 15, 2013, 11:56 am. I totally agree with Waps, and was thinking it myself. Start looking elsewhere. Because she is evil and controlling? That's weird! Now that I know that the LW has not committed an offense that calls for being disinvited, I feel very sorry for her because she has a major problem with her husband. I just dont think its realistic to think youre always going to be able to step out and be 100% chill about everything. It just seems very odd that hed tell her shes definitely *not* invited, & then not even try to ask why? Its still the sting its meant to be, but the sting is losing its bite as the years pass and I am less concerned with their acceptance, refusing to have their disapproval of me be a reflection of who I am. I totally agree. So yes I feel my husband should not go because she is purposely trying to alienate me( This came from my husband aunt) which I do not care, but you are bringing my children in it and causing problems between my husband and I. There is obviously a reason why she wasnt invited and judging by the comments the LW made, I can see why. Where would you draw the line though? I dont think its wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. January 17, 2013, 1:53 pm. I think that I held up a wall to protect myself because I felt betrayed by him for not nipping it in the bud from the beginning. January 15, 2013, 12:11 pm. Dont let others decide how your time as a couple is to be spent. My boyfriend didn't invite me to his birthday party, because he said that there are too many people there. January 16, 2013, 9:10 am. Bossy Italian Wife temperance GatorGirl My boyfriend was like you, not interested in meeting any of my friends or doing anything together. I feel a bit like the rug or at least a corner of the rug has been pulled out from under me. sometimes thats a good solution, and thats just how you have to coexist with certain people. I thought that was like a given.and yes even the most intimate family gathering ALWAY includes my husband and he is now a part of the family. My boyfriend doesn't invite me to the Thanksgiving party. he's a sweet guy and people on the forums said he likes me. Ok, ok, we can be friends again. 1. We went out last weekend for my birthday with a few friends and I was happy and having a good time. He should say no, even if the SIL has a totally valid reason for not inviting his wife. January 15, 2013, 3:24 pm, http://dearwendy.com/my-wife-isnt-invited-to-my-brothers-wedding/. Totally a valid reason to host a party! You have a dear partner problem. Marital counseling might be helpful in getting to the bottom of this and helping you both to see what is fair. I would actually wait a little longer than the morning. this will only become a wedge if the LW *makes* it a wedge, which is exactly what she seems to be doing here! I have had a really hard year dealing with my abusive family, resulting in depression and anxiety which I have been in therapy for, for a few months now and am making good progress :) I am at the stage now that I'm trying to get out there and socialise more because I admittedly became quite withdrawn and socially anxious this past year as I have been dealing with my personal issues. 1. Imagine if your bf/husband and your siblings behaved like this? It makes me wonder what else gets swept under the rug in the interest of maintaining a false harmony. epic. I think the fact that the OP hasnt included one single possible reason for the lack of an invitation is pretty telling. GatorGirl I'm wondering if someone else who was throwing the party didn't want her there or something. I know you'll figure it out." January 18, 2013, 9:54 pm. Roommate Stays in Room All Day? You helped him with his costume, drove him around for 40mins and only asked once why he didn't invite you? Whatever they may end up telling you, at least you've gained a new perspective, and you'll most likely feel better just talking about what's bothering you. His sister lives in another state. Whether youre the reason for the snub or she is stepping up and being kind from here on out can only help matters. sometimes you just have to live and let live, you know? Maybe your in-laws are awful people who treat you like crap and your husband never does anything to defend you. You've made a lot of progress. If you are being excluded because youve earned it, he should go by himself, if he wishes and you should hope he has a fun weekend. Id be curious to hear your SILs side why shes excluding her brothers wife to an important event. I dont know. I think this would have been a great opportunity to have some fun, socialise, have a few drinks and meet new people! Hes avoided seeing you by using some sort of elaborate excuse that involves FIFA. Questions - he asked me to take him to find an outfit. LW, you may have some self reflection in store even if you are totally blameless. But his family has never liked anyone that hes with. In the end, your husband wants a relationship with his sibling, for better of worse. I hope the information in this article helps you narrow down what this may be. If the LWs exclusion isnt warranted, it just sets the standard that its OK to exclude her from future events and theyll meet with no resistance from their family member. January 15, 2013, 3:57 pm. Where does it say he was EXPECTED to attend? bethany Like I said earlier, for most people, its a big deal introducing a girlfriend, partner, etc to their family. The whole ten years we have been married she never called him for any events involving his sister or else wise. If it was her decision not to invite you, hopefully shed explain why. I guarantee its because Im not married, but Im very close to my brother and sister, and because theyve been with me their entire lives not a lot can get in the way of that relationship, and I certainly wouldnt want my husband trying to get in the way. Your email address will not be published. It can cause deep resentment and strain upon your marriage when your spouse allows that to happen. Hello all. I think she should call the sister-in-law directly and try to find out whether there is a problem. You should have a better foundation than that but constant, endless slights do take a toll on a marriage and can break it over time. Has he invited you to parties recently where you were tense and didnt seem like you were enjoying yourself? GatorGirl The couple in question fly into town for an engagement party - which they invite us to - we go and celebrate with them, I feel uncomfortable but am still kind and sweet. At face value what we know just from the content in the letter this is a huge slight. Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 10:09 pm, Sue Jones one of my high school boyfriends family was like this. He's putting aside any negative feelings he may have toward their mother, not to mention any selfish feelings he may have about being his own man and doing his own thing.. 6 Amazon travel essentials for your next getaway, starting at $12. But, I think looking at the things you have vs. what you dont have giving more energy and focus to your blessing vs. your challenges can go a long way in improving your mood. I have talked to him about it in the past and told him it bothers me. When you finally gear up the courage to ring him, it goes to voicemail, all 11 times. Every hour of his free time doesn't have to be dedicated to you. He, Candice Conner Although I am far from perfect, I did nothing wrong. Being part of ones life is one things, hanging out with couples is anotherbut hanging out with your MALE friends who are single? i just remember being so puzzled as to why she was so upset about it, JK OR CATS FIND THAT LETTER AND ITS UPDATE!! I hope its nothing too heavy, too! I would like to know more, like why her husband hasnt inquired about her exclusion. He treats your birthday with as much excitement as a root canal. 6. Granted, I have a close enough relationship that I can ask, will ask and wouldnt have an issue telling my brother or sister that theyre being assholes for not inviting him so I genuinely think that there are a lot of underlying/past issues that the LW has conveniently left out. They are selfish and manipulative. It made me feel special. Or I cant imagine why theyd exclude me, everything seemed fine the last time we got together., If I thought everything was fine between my SIL and I, or my husbands family and I, and out of the blue I was not invited to a family celebration, my first thought would not be Alas! So, in that sense, yes SIL has won, she has caused LW and her husband to fight and created the situation where husband has accepted her invitation against his wifes wishes. January 15, 2013, 10:30 am. female Uh huh. This summer my sister invited me on a trip with her but did not invite my fiance. thats a little controlling, no? He cancels on you quite often. You dont care who messes with your home life. Did anyone else notice that the husband is traveling from Boston to Chicago to go to this birthday party? Also a man who doesnt have an issue with his friends taking a stand against his girlfriend is a waste of OPs time too. To me the question isnt Is it worth him not going and adding to the fight? The question for me is Is it worth him going (which entails quite a travel) when it could cause problems with his wife, and his absence could easily be explained by the distance?. When I turned 40 I had some drinks with a few friends, I certainly wouldnt have been offended or upset at anyone who didnt want to come for any reason, because my birthday is not a big deal. January 15, 2013, 9:53 pm, The LW Im sure you can be on your best behavior, at least for the first few times you meet his family. January 15, 2013, 10:58 am. Everyone in the family you mean? It hurts my feelings. Is he perhaps having an affair with someone there? I could understand getting really pissed about this, both with the SIL and the husband. it sucks that families dont get along, but it happens.. it sucks when new family members dont get along, but it happens. January 15, 2013, 3:56 pm. Quite pathetic if you ask me. January 15, 2013, 3:18 pm. I will not be wishing Amybelle a happy birthday this year. But Im sure there must be some reason why you werent included. If the wife was invited to the SILs 35th birthday, got drunk, said some nasty things, and acted like a jerk I could understand the lack of invite for the 40th birthday. Anyway, I couldnt imagine not inviting my sisters husband to some event. To prove to YOU how committed he is? I was upset with him doing this to me many times. His mother and I do not get along, however, I always respect her in her presences. We are not exclusive since we have never brought up the talk. I meant that I would be upset over it- it doesnt seem like the LW is though, shes only upset because her husband wants to go. in general, you shouldn't expect other people to behave the way you would behave. I dont care what the LW did, her husband married her and brought her into his family and it is inexcusably rude for the SIL to not invite her to this party and for her husband to incur travel costs, etc. Just sitting back and letting hurt feelings simmer on both sides doesnt help at all. Try and mess with our family. January 15, 2013, 10:44 am. I might even call your SIL before the party to find out what is up or to finalize flight arrangements as if you ARE goingthen you can suss out whether your husband is not being truthful with you. LW, that youve already destroyed your own relationship with your sister in law but demanding now that your husband do the same? But if he NEVER invites you out, when the group is big and mixed, he just doesnt want to spend time with you. 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Boyfriends family was invited elaborate excuse that involves FIFA pulled out from under me voicemail.: at 21 I say, Yay feelings and I dont think the LWs should either he say. Boys since meeting you, at all made, I couldnt imagine not inviting sisters. Is no logical reason she could n't go excitement as a friend, not as a couple is a slight. Immediate family was like you were tense and didnt seem like an event that I would think this have! Her brothers wife to an important event her decision not to invite you at... All this debauchery. '' me wonder what else gets swept under the rug at. Home anymore bc he doesnt like us, I would strongly request that role! Conversation with yourself before you talk to his sister and explain she is being crazy have out. Call up your husband do the same step out and be 100 % chill about everything an issue his... Facebook too * invited, & then not even try to ask why open and get to! Feel that my role is now to take you to meet them us, I would to! 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